REALITY

Expectations vs. Reality

There is one thing that I know for certain and it’s that I knew NOTHING about motherhood.

Expectation #1  Your baby, your precious bundle of joy, has changed your life for the better in so many ways. REALITY #1 Your baby turns into a blood sucking goblin every night at around 3 AM. Nobody ever told me that!!

Expectation # 2  You expect to change about 5 poopy diapers a day. REALITY # 2  Babies come equipped with c02 cartridges in their butthole so they are able to shoot poop across the room OR to have explosive craps that require you to cut off your $30 onsie that you had saved for a special occasion.

Expectation # 3  You are young. You will snap back in no time. REALITY #3  Well that part is true. I totally fit back into my size 2’s if you don’t count the three inches of muffin top on each side and the hole where the button used to be before it broke off.

Expectation #4  My husband is going to be the best father ever. After all he is smart charming and handsome. REALITY #4  Suddenly your husband becomes dumb as rocks and you ask yourself “Really? Did I really marry this douchbag?” And then you will find yourself grinding up apple seeds and putting it in his food. (you know because it’s a natural source of arsenic.)

And then there are the stupid questions and statements that normally wouldn’t bother you but after months of no sleep you might just karate chop that person in the neck….Like…

“You had your baby?” Uhhh DUH!

“You look tired.” Uhhh DUH!

“You should really take time to yourself.” Well what would you like me to do? Buy a crate? Put the child in my trunk? Lock her in the bathroom?

“You look great for having a baby.” So if I didn’t have a baby I look…….?

Nobody ever tells a new mommy about how her hormones are going to fluctuate so bad that you have to buy a wig to hide the bald spots or wear pads under your armpits because of the uncontrollable sweating. And what about the cellulite?  Can I have a side of pineapple with that?

Nobody ever tells a new mommy about the blood transfusion that she will need after weeks and weeks of bleeding or that fact that engorged breasts actually hurts more than having a leg cut off slowly with a spork.

 Well let me fill you in….Babies are bloodsucking goblins with c02 buttholes, you will have a muffin top and cellulite, your husband will be increasingly more dumb for about a year, people are rude and love to state the obvious and don’t donate blood.

Love Your Raging Hormones<3

And remember...This too shall pass;)